Playlet with a cast of 3, a SOLDIER, his MOM, and the KING. To be performed as a radio play, without gestures, etc.
Decided by applause-o-meter, John Bendel’s play was the winning work of the October Hudson Valley Crowbait Club at the Avalon Lounge. A new monthly series, the Crowbait Club welcomes playwrights, armed with an original ten-minute-or-less play in response to a theme, to pit their work against each other in a night of theater deathmatch. After two minutes of rehearsal with willing audience members as actors, it’s showtime. The prompt for October was DOORS.
The Crowbait Club will return to the Avalon Lounge on Nov. 15, 7 p.m., with the playwriting prompt: FIRSTS
The Hudson Valley Crowbait Club is a collaboration between
the Columbia County Players and The Hudson Observer.
SOLDIER
Halt! Who goes there!
MOM
Don’t shoot. It’s me, your mother.
SOLDIER
Mom! What are you doing here?
MOM
Me? What am I doing here? What are you doing here, and wearing that silly suit!
SOLDIER
It’s not silly, Mom. It’s symbolic. The girls love it!
MOM
Who could love a helmet with a spike on the top?
SOLDIER
Ssshh! The king will hear you!
MOM
So why shouldn’t he hear me? Aren’t you supposed to have a mother?
SOLDIER
Of course, Mom, but you’re not supposed to be here! I’m supposed to shoot interlopers here. Now go home!
MOM
Not until you take off that silly suit and come with me.
SOLDIER
Ssshh! Mom, if the king comes out to see what’s going on, I’ll have to shoot you!
MOM
You get a state job and the next thing you know you have to shoot your mother. What is Delaware coming to?
SOLDIER
It’s New Delaware now, Mom…
KING
What’s the trouble here, soldier?
SOLDIER
Oh, my God! I mean, nothing, Your Highness… I mean, it’s an interloper, sir! Do I have to shoot an interloper if it’s my mother, sir?
KING
Lower your rifle, soldier. You say this woman is your mother?
MOM
You’re darned right I’m his mother, King. You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Look at his helmet! He’s going to stab a bird with that thing!
SOLDIER
Mom!
KING
At ease, soldier. Let me speak with your mom. Sometimes the oldsters have a hard time understanding the changes here in New Delaware.
MOM
You’re darned right I don’t understand! I bought your New Delaware postage stamps and they wouldn’t stick to the envelope!
KING
New Delaware stamps will stick to the envelope with the best of them, madam. All you need is some glue. I recommend Elmer’s.
MOM
Whoever heard of stamps without glue on the back?
KING
A money-saving measure to benefit the taxpayers of New Delaware — the home of innovation.
MOM
You mean innovation like when you jam all out-of-state TV stations?
KING
Propaganda, madam. Pure propaganda. I can assure you that New Delaware programming is more entertaining, more wholesome, and generally better for you.
MOM
You mean shows like At Home with the King and The King’s Funky Hour?
KING
Splendid entertainment.
MOM
I hate to say this, King, but you’re a lousy break dancer.
SOLDIER
Mom!
KING
Lower the weapon, son. Your mother isn’t altogether wrong. She just doesn’t understand. You see, madam, it’s difficult to break dance wearing a robe and carrying a scepter. Still, it’s important for me to try. I want to be one with all my people.
MOM
Your people! They’re all leaving! Everybody with any brains is getting out of the state!
SOLDIER
Kingdom, Mom! It’s a kingdom now!
MOM
Whatever! They’re all getting out, and I would too, but you can’t sell a house in Delaware anymore! Who would buy a house in this…this…
KING
Kingdom, madam.
MOM
Whatever!
KING
Madam, I believe we were talking about your son’s helmet. The point on top. Remember?
MOM
Yeah, King. I remember! So what about it?
KING
Iconography, madam. A symbol of New Delaware and all the promise it holds. Worthy headgear for the Royal Guard and Marching Band.
SOLDIER
See, Mom?
MOM
And I’m sick of marching bands! Marching to school! Marching to McDonald’s! Marching to the bowling alley! You can’t go anywhere without marching anymore!
SOLDIER
Please, Mom!
KING
I’m amazed, madam. Why would you want to go anywhere without marching?
MOM
I hate marching!
KING
Are you sure this woman is your mother, son?
SOLDIER
Uh..uh..Yes, sir.
KING
You have a problem here, soldier.
SOLDIER
Yes sir.
KING
I think you’d better march her home. Good night, soldier.
MOM
GOOD NIGHT, YOURSELF! YOU CALL YOURSELF KING! YOU’RE JUST A MARCHING NUT.
SOLDIER
Mom! Don’t make me shoot you!
KING
Don’t shoot your mother, soldier.
MOM
MY KID’S COMING HOME WITH ME!
SOLDIER
Mom!
KING
March her home, son. She’ll feel better after a good little march.
MOM
I’M NOT GONNA MARCH! I’M GONNA WALK!
SOLDIER
I’m so sorry, sir.
KING
Don’t be, soldier. This kind of thing happens. Change takes time, soldier. The bigger the change, the longer the time.
SOLDIER
Yes, sir.
KING
Take some time with your mother, soldier.
SOLDIER
Yes, sir.
MOM
I WISH I COULD GET AWAY FROM HERE FOREVER!
KING
And soldier…
SOLDIER
Yes, sir?
KING
Tell her to bag it, or I’ll have to exile her to New Jersey.
John Bendel of Livingston, NY, is a retired daily newspaper entertainment writer, reviewer, news columnist and editorial page editor. He was an editor at National Lampoon magazine and has written extensively about trucking where he began his career more than 60 years ago as a driver.